Well, it’s not officially over, but we’re no longer hopeful.
My beta went from 7.3 on Thursday to 8.8 four days later on Monday. The nurse told me that they would advise me not to go off my medication before my repeat beat this Wednesday since it did still go up, but that it was up to me whether I want to continue or not.
I am very glad that I saw my therapist on Thursday after the initial beta result (and again today). She encouraged us to celebrate the fact that some implantation was happening/had happened. We spent Friday and the weekend mostly enjoying the idea that we could be parents in the spring. It is not to say that we had no moments of anxiety – well, I can speak for myself and say I had my moments of fear – but for the most part we just enjoyed that this might actually work after all.
I spent Thursday afternoon and Friday with the children in my day care imagining my baby in the place of the baby I hold every day and that baby in the role of the toddler who is learning to communicate and that toddler in the role of almost-preschooler. I know that my repeated failure to conceive has been tough on my heart. I love the children I watch, but I knew last fall that it was getting harder for me to love my job. I felt like there was some layer of ice or candy shell broke off of my insides while I dreamed of my child being with all of these children. I was amazed at how just the idea of my own child made the love I feel for these little people grow what felt like 3 sizes bigger.
My wife and I were sitting out on our back porch working on various tasks while enjoying being close to each other. She looked at me and said, “I love this. You are just so happy. It lights you up!”
I think I am going to keep taking my medications until the next beta. I don’t hope for much, but I can’t bear thinking that this embryo might still have a chance and I didn’t give it every shot it could have.
I have been so indebted to my Ayurvedic practitioner this cycle. I have had treatments 2-3 times a week that have relaxed, encouraged, made me shake with laughter, and given me hope. She is going back to med school later this month and I am incredibly sad not to have her physical presence and encouragement in the coming cycles. (She called me multiple times the day of the first beta reading me encouraging research about low betas and FETs. And she called me Friday and Saturday just to check on how I was doing.) It was so helpful to my spirit to have her backing me up. I will absolutely follow the diet she proscribed again with the next two transfers. But I will deeply miss her presence and the relaxation of the shirodhara.
I have 3 embryos left. The plan is to transfer one then go to the last two if we need to. This cycle has left me feeling both hopeful that we did something right and that we can repeat it, and scared that we just hit some jackpot in getting an embryo that wanted to stay. And that I will only ever get to be pregnant for four days.
Be that as it may, I will be grateful that I enjoyed the promise of those four days. And I will be hopeful that I will get to be pregnant for a lot longer than four days in the very near future.